Jenni's Journals - Hannah's Hope Book

On the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums I am posting monthly devotionals based on various chapters of Hannah's Hope. Here is “part two” on thoughts from chapter ten, tackling the specific question of manipulating God. Part one, focusing on grace in supporting one another as God uniquely leads each of us through the plans He has for our lives, is posted here.

I wrote the bulk of this chapter addressing 10 “filter questions” and their accompanying scriptural support. The questions are designed to help you in making decisions concerning treatment options, adoption plans or other choices related to the infertility journey. Today we will look at just one of these questions, realizing that we are pulling it out of context from the rest of the chapter so it won’t be quite as clear on its own as it would be in the big picture. To get a better feel for my heart, I would encourage you to read chapter 10 entirely for more background.

The following is copyrighted material and has been adapted from "Anything for a Child?" chapter ten of Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, & Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake, NavPress, 2005. Please do not duplicate without permission. You may read a portion of this book here.


And she made a vow saying, “Oh LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, the I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”
- 1 Samuel 1:11 (NIV)

What Hannah might have prayed:
“King of Kings, who am I that I should even dare to approach your throne? But I am beyond desperate. Great Physician, I need your healing hand upon both my defective body and my splintered heart. I would give anything to hear the name ‘Mommy’ called to my ears. I’ll be a godly mother and see that this child puts You first in everything...”
Almost before she realized what she was saying, she had committed her future child to the life of a Nazirite (see Numbers 6). What had she done, letting her emotions carry her to such a vow? This burden was voluntarily taken by only a few, and typically for just a short season, not for life.
But there was no going back now. If the Lord’s grace ever brought her the joy of labor pains, her son would live set apart, much like Samson, who had delivered her people from the Philistines after God placed him in the womb of his sterile mother (see Judges 13)…


When children don’t come along as planned, we face emotionally taxing, financially draining, and ethically complex choices. “Lord, I’ll do anything for a baby!” can be the soul’s gripping cry. But the moral and spiritual questions quickly arise: Is anything really okay? How far is “too far”? Do ends always justify means? Can I bargain with God or manipulate my way to motherhood?

Am I trying to force God’s hand?
Sometimes God gives us less than the best He desires for us because we beg Him to do so, just as He conceded to the demands of Israel (see 1 Samuel 8:6-22). Am I trying to manipulate my way to a baby? Am I trying to bargain with God? Am I willing to accept God’s best for my life, or do I want to be in the driver’s seat and demand what I perceive to be best?
One of our adoption losses was especially painful. I had invested my heart in the life of a young birth mother and watched in awe as “our son” performed on the stage of his first ultrasound. I fell head-over-heals in love, only to be asked to support this woman as she chose a different family.
I ask, “Lord, how could you ask such a thing of me? Might a few well-spoken words swing the pendulum of parenthood back in our favor?” He answered clearly through the pages of His Word that morning in the hospital. Genesis 16 reminded me that while Sarah’s plan did bring about the birth of Ishmael, everyone suffered as a result of her manipulation. I was strongly convicted that, as much as I craved this child, I had to let go.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
- Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

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Dear Lord,
Sometimes this path can be so confusing! You say children are a blessing, so how could fulfilling my longing for a baby be anything less than Your best for me? Sometimes it seems like I need to "help" You along, to push open door and blaze trails when You seem to be forgetting to act on my behalf. Please help me to remember that Your plan is truly best. Thank You that Your thoughts are so much higher than my limited understanding! Help me not to shove ahead of Your best plan, pushing for Your "second best" for my life rather than waiting for You to fulfill what You most want for me. Please teach me to trust that You really do have me on the straightest path to my heart's desires, to be fulfilled in Your perfect timing, as I learn what it means to fully acknowledge You in everything.

Labels: monthly book devotional, waiting

I'm skipping ahead a bit in my monthly devotionals based on Hannah's Hope because God has really put it on my heart that someone needs to read this tonight. I pray it will be an encouragment:

The following is copyrighted material taken from Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage & Adoption Loss, chapter 15:

As Russell Kelfer so well expressed in one of my all-time favorite peoms, "Wait" below, I often wished I could see enough of God's plan at least to know if the battle was even worth such grief. If only God would tell me, "Yes, someday you will have a baby," or even "No, my plans for you do not include a child," then I would have either been able to rest in the peace of knowing or grieve my losses and move on.
Living in the ongoing unknown made worship a true sacrifice. Blind faith was sometimes fearful, painful faith, especially whenever I tried to exercise it in my own strength. Fortunately, each time I made even the meekest attempt to reach out to the Lord, my Father was there to hold my hand and guide me along the way.

WAIT
(Taken from "Follow Me!" by Russell Kelfer, copyright 1995.
Published by Discipleship Tape Ministries, Inc., and Into His Likeness Publications.
Used by permission.)

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, He replied.
I pleaded, and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait."

"Wait? You say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why.
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future, and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me 'wait'?
I'm needing a 'yes,' or a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no,' to which I can resign.

"And Lord, you have promised that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receiv.
And Lord I've been asking, and this in my cry:
I'm weary of asking: I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God; "So I'm waiting, for what?"

He seemed then to kneel and His eyes met with mine
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, darken the sun,
Raise the dead, cause the mountains to run.

"All you see I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust, just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,
When darkness and silence was all you could see.

"You would never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth and the beat of my heart.

"The glow of My comfort late in the night'
The faith that I give when you walk without sight;
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinate God who makes what you have last.

"And you never would know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for that loved one o'ernight could come true,
But the loss! if you lost what I'm doing in you.

"So be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all...is still...wait."


For Further Thought:
(From "Fear of the Unknown" by Ginger Garrett, Moments for Couples Who Long for Children, Colorado Springs, Colo.: NavPress, 2003, pages 39-40)
Our suffering can increase through the agony of not knowing when it will end and why God has allowed it. We want answers to questions that God does not seem eager to explain.... We imagine that if only God would tell us the day and time that our wait will end, we could relax and pace ourselves during our waiting.
But the idea that this suffering could stretch on indefinitely haunts us and makes the present much more difficult. We can stand short bursts of pain, such as in the dentist's chair or when we get a flu shot, because we kno the pain will end quickly and because we feel confident the suffering will produce a greater good. We don't seem to need or ask for God's strength in those moments...
Lack of control, however, with no sense of when the suffering will end or why God allows it, nudges us to an all-knowing, all-powerful Lord. God can best demonstrate who He is when we are paying careful attention. Perhaps that is one reason why He does not reveal to us His exact times and dates and reasons. We want Him to reveal the future - He wants to reveal His character.

Labels: anger, grief, hope, monthly book devotional, waiting