Jenni's Journals - Hannah's Hope Book

The Hannah's Prayer Retreat registration deadline is the end of this week. If you are looking for a wonderful weekend of support and encouragement, you won't want to miss this May 1-3 event in Cincinnati, Ohio! Head to http://www.Hannah.org and register now. :)

Labels: event, grief, Hannah's Prayer, hope, infertility, miscarriage, Peace, prayer, pregnancy loss, retreat, support

As we prepare our hearts for the celebration of the birthday of our Lord, with all the focus on a pregnant young woman and a tiny newborn Baby, may our Risen Lord comfort each hurting heart and allow us true joy in the wonder of God-become-man for our redemption. Christmas, while yes about a Baby, is also about a Father's first step toward heartbreak at the death of His only Son, all because He understands the longing to grow His family - the death of His Son was the cost of my adoption as His daughter.

The following is copyrighted material and has been adapted from "Pray, Faith, and Compassion," chapter eleven of Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, & Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake, NavPress, 2005. Please do not duplicate without permission.


The rumors circulated about how Anna had been barren for the seven years her husband lived (see Luke 2:22-38). Others speculated about children that she might have buried along-side her beloved groom. Whatever her true story, they all shook their heads at the shame of her lonely state, without any living male relative to care for her in her advancing years.

Anna commeted little on the gossip of the crowd, striving to live gracefully, not giving in to the anger and bitterness that could so easily have ruled her heart. Yes, a lifetime later, she still missed the man who was to have been her life-partner, provider, and protector. While her womb had dried up long ago, some days her arms still longed to be filled by the weight of an infant.

Like Hannah had nearly 1,000 years earlier, Anna took her heartache to the temple. As the years passed by, Anna devoted more and more of her time to prayer and fasting. The life she had envisioned for herself was replaced with a lifestyle of ongoing worship. Those who had once pitied Anna, now sought out the prophetess for her wisdom.

Over the past 400 years since He had last added to His written Word, it sometimes seemed as if God had forgotten His promise to redeem Israel. But Anna's heart was stirred by strange things happening in recent months - Zachariah struck mute while performing his highest yearly duty, Elizabeth a mother in her old age, that young girl from Nazareth the center of scandal as she claimed to be a virgin, yet with child.

This day seemed to Anna like every other, until Simeon (who seemed to be at the temple almost as often as Anna) rushed to the young couple and took in his arms the infant they had brought for circumcision. At that moment Anna realized that all the heartache of her lifetime had been worth this one moment she now witnessed. Had it not been for her life taking so many seemingly "wrong" turns, she would not be in this right place at this perfect time. As the weight of this tiny One filled the ache of her arms, the last remnatnts of grief were erased grom her heart as well. What joy that, as a direct result of years of grief and loneliness, she was now privileged to proclaim the Consolation of Israel!

Labels: anger, bitterness, Christmas, grief, legacy, monthly book devotional, Sacrifice

Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day - http://www.october15th.com/

Labels: event, grief, legacy, miscarriage, pregnancy loss, resource, support

No, time doesn't heal all heartache. But the pain does ease, soften, change, grow with you, become a part of who you are over time. A Mommy's heart never forgets. I'm not in the staggering pain of the early years nor even the meloncoly "could-a-would-a-should-a" been grief of a handfull of years ago.

With happy-sorrow (happy that she is part of my life, sorrow that we have been apart so many years and I must continue waiting for Heaven to meet her) I am quietly remembering my beautiful first baby girl who was due this weekend, 13 years ago. Hard to believe I'm the Mommy of a teenager in Heaven now.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Noel! You are forever loved and really being missed today.

Labels: grief, hope, Noel

Being nearly 24 hours old, I know this is "old news" by internet standards. But I also believe there are many who many not yet have heard. And so with very heavy heart I share with you that Maria Sue Chapman, youngest adopted daughter of adoption advocates and champions Steven Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman, was killed in an accident in their family's driveway yesterday afternoon. Maria was 5 years old.

A memorial fund to benefit the Shaohannah's Hope has been set up "in lieu of flowers" at Maria's Miracle Fund or donations by mail amy be sent to Shaohannah's Hope, c/o Maria's Miracle Fund, PO Box 647, Franklin TN, 37065. You may learn more about Maria and express your condolences to the Chapman family on Maria's Memorial Blog.

Funeral Arrangements for Maria Sue Chapman. These times are open to the public if anyone would like to be a part of celebrating the life of Maria.

FRI May 23rd Visitation 5-8pm

SAT May 24th Memorial service 11am

At Christ Presbyterian Church
2323 Old Hickory Blvd, Nashville, TN
(615) 373-2311

Labels: adoption loss, Chapman, grief

Christian singer Todd Smith, of the group Selah, and his family have just welcomed and said goodbye to their youngest daughter, Audrey this week. Here is Angie's beautiful, heatbreaking, deeply-touching letter to their daughter. Anyone who has said goodbye "too soon" will be moved by these words that will capture your heart.

(As a forwarning for those with no living children, there are beautiful pictures of the Smith's three living daughers and the girls' experiences in their sister's brief earthly life pictured and mentioned on this page. There are also beautiful pictures of Audrey.)

Labels: grief, hope

A lady I have had the joy of just starting to get to know through Hannah's Prayer posted a touching message on our message boards this week. Heather and her husband have been striving to grow their family since 2000 and lost their only children (IVF twins) to miscarriage this past December. I've been praying about what I could share with hurting hurts this Easter, and Heather has graciously allowed me to share her Good Friday post with you today:

Hi ladies,

Today is Good Friday and my husband and I have just been wandering around running errands. We are both feeling unsettled... partly because of the weather though...it's a dreary day.

I find for myself a part of it is that here I am buying chocolate easter eggs for my nephew, and my niece's first easter teddy bear. I just felt so empty. It makes the aching of missing our babies so strong. I think of how far along I would have been today...and that I would have been one of the proud pregnant women walking around the mall.

I am finding that I'm hiding my feelings more and more. I'm trying so hard to allow myself to heal, but to still allow myself my moments of tears. I know that will go on for a long time. I don't know what it is this week...but I've seen TWO sets of identical twins...and I found myself just staring at them wondering what our identical twins would have looked like. I've just never seen two sets of I.T's, let alone within the span of one week! And everywhere I look there are adverts "Baby Days On Now", "Big Baby Event"...like everywhere I turn I'm slapped in the face.
I try to just keep my head high and think of where our babies are. I know that they are wrapped in God's loving arms. One day I will know why our babies had to leave us so soon. One day we will hold them ALL in our arms!

Anyhow, I just wanted to share a couple of verses that have become very important to me since losing our twins. It was difficult to get back in to God's word, but I'm feeling refreshed once again by His voice.

Romans 8:24-28
For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. But if we hope for what we do not have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

Psalms 50:15
"I want you to trust me in your times of trouble, so I can rescue you, and you can give me glory."

I just wanted to share these verses with all of you, and hope that these words touch you as much as they are helping to guide me through each day.

I feel so happy to have found this site, to have a place where I can express my sadness, but also have the opportunity to share some encouragement too!

Hugs and Prayers,
Heather

If you would like to contact Heather directly, her email address is heather_johnson AT shaw DOT ca (remove spaces and replace AT and DOT with @ and .)

On past Easter's I've just had to keep going back to the heartache of the Father as He watched His only biological Son die to pay the price for my eternal adoption. I pray for each and every griving mom-at-heart who is also struggling to get through this weekend.

Labels: Easter, grief

I had the blessing of sharing with a group of about 30 women from our church this past weekend. God put on my heart the topic of "Harvesting Hope from Heartache" based on Psalm 126:5-6 that says, "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him."

God's hand seemed to be upon the entire afternoon and I felt His peace and guidance as I spoke. For the first time ever when doing public speaking, I got up to start without any feelings of of even mild panic nor shaking hands or anything! I had been a bit nervous before hand, but just really felt a great sence of peace all the way around when the time to talk actually came.
It was so encouraging to have my Mom there. I also have a fairly new friend from church that came and she went through a few years of infertility before the birth of her daughter. They are just getting ready to start trying to conceive again after their little miracle, so she's nervous about that journey. Also a lady I met on another message board was there, just a week after her 12-week miscarriage. Another friend there had a daughter who died in infancy about 10 years ago. I don't know everyone else's stories, but several ladies came up to talk afterwards and said that they were blessed, so I'm just praising the Lord right now!

Here's a brief outline of the talk:

Harvest Cycle (After each phase of the cycle are the emotions a grain of wheat might experience as it prepares for its final purpose.)

Planting – darkness, suffocation, loneliness

No one is immune from heartache. Even when I can’t feel Him, God is always there.

I shared the opening portion of Hannah's Hope chapter one, Hannah's loss of innocence and my story of attending a party as an infertile woman, to illustrate the isolation and darkness of the planting season.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? …If I make my bed in the depths, you are there… Even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. – From Psalm 139:7-12



Waiting – seemingly endless, pointless, impatience

God’s “protection” may leave me bewildered, but He always has a plan for my good.

Read "Wait", the poem I posted in my previous blog entry.

“…For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11



Sprouting – new, fragile, reaching out

God wants my honesty. Where am I placing my hope?

Shared personal experience of being angry with God, yet being unwilling to admit my anger, followed by the freedom of "letting Him have it" and being truly honest. Also the realization that I was placing my hope in a child rather than in God and the attitude changes He needed to bring about in me.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. – Jeremiah 29:13



Growing – stretching, exposed to the elements - hot sun, pounding ran, buffeting wind

God is personal. He cares about every need. He wants me to rely on Him.

Personal stories of God meeting me in places of need both in chronic health challenges and in infertility and other desires of my heart like the longing for a piano.

I pray that out of his glorious riches [God, the Father] may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. – Ephesians 3:16-19



Reaping – cut, dry, gather, bundle

God does not intend for me to “do life” alone.

The beauty of fellowship, belonging and finding others who understand by personal experience. Contrast to the lonilness of "planting".

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4



Threshing – separating chaff from good grain, sometimes by stomping or throwing

Sometimes it gets harder before it gets better. God will help me persevere!

Struggle with fears during pregnancy and adjustments in parenthood. Sometimes "having just what I want" isn't quite what I pictured.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. – James 1:2-4



Refining – grinding, mixing and baking lead to nourishment and pleasure

When seasons of heartache are over, I should celebrate what God has done!

Sometimes rejoicing is obvious, such as celebration over the long-awaited gift of children. Other times it is less obvious, like learning to rejoice in 17 years of ongoing pain and illness. God is good, all the time!

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him. – Psalm 126:5-6

Labels: anger, event, grief, harvest, hope, legacy, public speaking, Thanksgiving

I'm skipping ahead a bit in my monthly devotionals based on Hannah's Hope because God has really put it on my heart that someone needs to read this tonight. I pray it will be an encouragment:

The following is copyrighted material taken from Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage & Adoption Loss, chapter 15:

As Russell Kelfer so well expressed in one of my all-time favorite peoms, "Wait" below, I often wished I could see enough of God's plan at least to know if the battle was even worth such grief. If only God would tell me, "Yes, someday you will have a baby," or even "No, my plans for you do not include a child," then I would have either been able to rest in the peace of knowing or grieve my losses and move on.
Living in the ongoing unknown made worship a true sacrifice. Blind faith was sometimes fearful, painful faith, especially whenever I tried to exercise it in my own strength. Fortunately, each time I made even the meekest attempt to reach out to the Lord, my Father was there to hold my hand and guide me along the way.

WAIT
(Taken from "Follow Me!" by Russell Kelfer, copyright 1995.
Published by Discipleship Tape Ministries, Inc., and Into His Likeness Publications.
Used by permission.)

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, He replied.
I pleaded, and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait."

"Wait? You say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why.
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future, and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me 'wait'?
I'm needing a 'yes,' or a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no,' to which I can resign.

"And Lord, you have promised that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receiv.
And Lord I've been asking, and this in my cry:
I'm weary of asking: I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God; "So I'm waiting, for what?"

He seemed then to kneel and His eyes met with mine
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, darken the sun,
Raise the dead, cause the mountains to run.

"All you see I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust, just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,
When darkness and silence was all you could see.

"You would never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth and the beat of my heart.

"The glow of My comfort late in the night'
The faith that I give when you walk without sight;
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinate God who makes what you have last.

"And you never would know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for that loved one o'ernight could come true,
But the loss! if you lost what I'm doing in you.

"So be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all...is still...wait."


For Further Thought:
(From "Fear of the Unknown" by Ginger Garrett, Moments for Couples Who Long for Children, Colorado Springs, Colo.: NavPress, 2003, pages 39-40)
Our suffering can increase through the agony of not knowing when it will end and why God has allowed it. We want answers to questions that God does not seem eager to explain.... We imagine that if only God would tell us the day and time that our wait will end, we could relax and pace ourselves during our waiting.
But the idea that this suffering could stretch on indefinitely haunts us and makes the present much more difficult. We can stand short bursts of pain, such as in the dentist's chair or when we get a flu shot, because we kno the pain will end quickly and because we feel confident the suffering will produce a greater good. We don't seem to need or ask for God's strength in those moments...
Lack of control, however, with no sense of when the suffering will end or why God allows it, nudges us to an all-knowing, all-powerful Lord. God can best demonstrate who He is when we are paying careful attention. Perhaps that is one reason why He does not reveal to us His exact times and dates and reasons. We want Him to reveal the future - He wants to reveal His character.

Labels: anger, grief, hope, monthly book devotional, waiting

On the Proverbs 31 Ministires blog (heads-up, the author is a mother of 5, 2 through adoption, so there will be occasional references to motherhood but not the theme of this post) there is a writing challenge this week. God pulled me from bed 2 hours early this morning, prompting me to write my article for this contest. But when I took a quick visit to the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums (message boards) before coming here, He quickly made it clear that what I had planned to write was not what He wanted me to say this morning. She I'm tossing my notes aside and giving a heart answer to a grieving friend instead.

After sharing of the deaths of two grandmothers and her unborn (six-years-awaited) child all within a two month time span, she writes:
"How do I trust Him and what am I trusting? I want to trust that this will never happen again and I know that isn't possible. I have been such a faithful Christian, I go to church every week, I [serve om multiple] ministries, what else do I need to do to be blessed with biologically carrying a child?
"I just don't understand and I am so confused right now. I am scared of how mad at God I am!"

Precious Friend, my heart hurts for all the trials you have endured. I'm sure you have heard that grief has stages. You are facing two very distinct kinds of grief right now - the profound and specific losses of three precious to you (all in a very compact timeframe), and the ongoing, less definable but every bit as real, ongoing grief of loss upon loss, month upon month, hope upon hope, dream upon dream. Anger is one very valid stage of grief, as is "bargaining" (as reflected by your questions above).

I struggled with these same questions. Not just struggled, but wrestled and fought under their weight as you do! In the end God reminded me that just as I cannot earn His grace, a child is also a gift, not a right, and that He alone is the giver of good gifts. He gives them to whom He chooses, in the timing that He deems most perfect. He does not give according to "merit" for all my works are still broken offerings and worthless rags. He gives according to His goodness and best plan.

As much as I long to give you a "formula" I can only speak from having survived those depths where you now find yourself and encourage you to remember that you cannot earn a baby. The Psalm "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." had me convinced otherwise for a time, that if I could just show God how much I was doing for His service, that surly He would honor that. And then one day, in as close to any "audible voice from God" experience I've ever know, He impressed so clearly on my heart that I had the totally wrong idea of what it meant to "delight" in Him with, "My child, you cannot treat me according to the gifts I choose to give or to withhold. I am Worthy of your praise, with or without a baby!" It was then that I realized that a baby had become an idol to me, taking my focus and God's rightful place of longing in my heart.

This realization wasn't an immediate fix, didn't make me "all better" over night, and certainly didn't instantly cause my womb to become fertile. But it was a significant turning point in my heart, the start on a pathway toward healing and freedom from anger's bitter grasp, the first glimmer of hope that there truly was light on the other side of that deep, dark, senseless valley of grief.

As for anger, I know that the anger itself can be a fearful thing. May I encourage you that your anger does not take God by surprise and that He is big enough to handle it? Death makes Him angry too. This fallen world is not as He designed it and death is an evil, vile thief. If we believe that God has the power to prevent such evil and yet chooses not to take action, why wouldn't we be angry with him? What God wants from you the most right now is your honesty, with yourself and with Him. Let Him know exactly how angry you are, why you are angry, how you feel betrayed... Hold nothing back. Yell it out to Him if you need to. Start a journal and get it all out there in black and white.

And then, once you have laid yourself bare before Him, ask Him to take all that brokenness, bitterness, disappointment, grief, and more, and replace it with heart healing and peace. He is the author of hope and we are promised that when our hope is in Him (not elsewhere, like in a baby) that He does not disappoint. I am not saying this to crush your dreams that God may yet have motherhood in His plans for you. In fact, it is my earnest prayer that He does, and from a human standpoint I pray that this answer to prayer comes much sooner than later. I am simply saying that when we get to this stage of grief, our needs are far bigger than simply that of conception. While there is nothing you can do to "earn" a baby (and you will only make yourself more miserable in the attempt), please allow God to start bringing Life in a new way as He is the only one who can meet this terrible heartache.

{{{Hugs!}}}
Jenni

Labels: anger, bitterness, contest, grief, hope, Peace, Sacrifice, testimony