Jenni's Journals - Hannah's Hope Book

As we prepare our hearts for the celebration of the birthday of our Lord, with all the focus on a pregnant young woman and a tiny newborn Baby, may our Risen Lord comfort each hurting heart and allow us true joy in the wonder of God-become-man for our redemption. Christmas, while yes about a Baby, is also about a Father's first step toward heartbreak at the death of His only Son, all because He understands the longing to grow His family - the death of His Son was the cost of my adoption as His daughter.

The following is copyrighted material and has been adapted from "Pray, Faith, and Compassion," chapter eleven of Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, & Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake, NavPress, 2005. Please do not duplicate without permission.


The rumors circulated about how Anna had been barren for the seven years her husband lived (see Luke 2:22-38). Others speculated about children that she might have buried along-side her beloved groom. Whatever her true story, they all shook their heads at the shame of her lonely state, without any living male relative to care for her in her advancing years.

Anna commeted little on the gossip of the crowd, striving to live gracefully, not giving in to the anger and bitterness that could so easily have ruled her heart. Yes, a lifetime later, she still missed the man who was to have been her life-partner, provider, and protector. While her womb had dried up long ago, some days her arms still longed to be filled by the weight of an infant.

Like Hannah had nearly 1,000 years earlier, Anna took her heartache to the temple. As the years passed by, Anna devoted more and more of her time to prayer and fasting. The life she had envisioned for herself was replaced with a lifestyle of ongoing worship. Those who had once pitied Anna, now sought out the prophetess for her wisdom.

Over the past 400 years since He had last added to His written Word, it sometimes seemed as if God had forgotten His promise to redeem Israel. But Anna's heart was stirred by strange things happening in recent months - Zachariah struck mute while performing his highest yearly duty, Elizabeth a mother in her old age, that young girl from Nazareth the center of scandal as she claimed to be a virgin, yet with child.

This day seemed to Anna like every other, until Simeon (who seemed to be at the temple almost as often as Anna) rushed to the young couple and took in his arms the infant they had brought for circumcision. At that moment Anna realized that all the heartache of her lifetime had been worth this one moment she now witnessed. Had it not been for her life taking so many seemingly "wrong" turns, she would not be in this right place at this perfect time. As the weight of this tiny One filled the ache of her arms, the last remnatnts of grief were erased grom her heart as well. What joy that, as a direct result of years of grief and loneliness, she was now privileged to proclaim the Consolation of Israel!

Labels: anger, bitterness, Christmas, grief, legacy, monthly book devotional, Sacrifice

© Copyright 1997, Jennifer Saake
Reprinted from the Fall 1997 issue of "Hannah to Hannah" (print newsletter published 1995-1999 by Hannah's Prayer Ministires)
All Scripture taken from the New International Version (NIV), emphasis added


“We bring the sacrifice of praise into the house of the Lord. And we offer up to You the sacrifices of thanksgiving…”

How often do we take the time to truly think about the words we sing in church each Sunday? What are sacrifices of thanksgiving and praise? “Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise – the fruit of lips that confess his name. And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is please” (Hebrews 13:15-16).

We see “sacrifice” used throughout the Old Testament. God said that without the shedding of blood there could be no removal of sin, so animal sacrifice was ordained from the day sin entered the world through Adam, and was to continue until the day that God the Father experienced the grief of watching His own Son Jesus, the “Second Adam,” die in our places to clean our guilt and make a way for us to be adopted into His Heavenly family.

“I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving. This will please the LORD more than an ox, more than a bull with its horns and hoofs” (Psalm 69:30-31). Webster’s dictionary includes several definitions of “sacrifice,” many along the lines of bloodshed on an altar, but here are some alternate definitions that I think are more applicable to the idea of offering sacrifices of praise and thanksgiving. “An act of offering to a deity something precious” or the “surrender of something for the sake of something else.”

We are introduced to Hannah in the context of her family’s journey to the temple to offer a yearly sacrifice (1 Samuel 1:3). Hannah was abiding by the law of the land in making the blood sacrifice demanded of her, but her heart was willing to sacrifice more. “In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord. And she made a vow saying, ‘O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life…’” (1 Sam. 1:10-11).

That was some sacrifice! No, Hannah didn’t offer false thanksgiving by denying her pain or trying to pretend to God that everything was fine, but in the same breath that she asked Him to grant her heart’s desire, she turned around and promised that the child would belong to God for his entire life. What an act of reverence for the God who created her and held the power to breathe life into her empty womb!

We see that from this point on, even before God allowed her to conceive, that Hannah worshipped the Lord (1 Sam. 1:19). That change from a bitter soul to an attitude of praise, was the willingness to sacrifice her will to God. The words of Jonah reflect what Hannah probably felt: “But I, with a song of thanksgiving, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. Salvation comes from the LORD” (Jonah 2:9).

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Let’s take a look at another family in the Bible – the first family that ever existed. Adam and Eve’s first two sons were named Cain and Able. Because sin had already entered the world before these sons were born, they grew up under the sacrificial system and worshipped the Lord from the time they were tiny. Cain and Able both knew God’s rules by heart. God was worthy of their obedience, respect, and honor, if for no other reason than simply because His is God! “For great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; He is to be feared above all gods” (1 Chronicles 16:25).

The problem came as they grew up and started their own careers. Able raised sheep while Cain pursued farming – both professions were honorable. These men knew that God required blood atonement in repentance for sin. While Able could readily offer the sacrifices God required by giving from his own flock, Cain had to exchange his produce to buy lambs foe each sacrifice. (Kind of gives new meaning to the figure of speech, “You can’t squeeze blood out of a turnip!”)

At some point Cain tired of the system God set up. I don’t know if he just didn’t like the hassle of selling crops and buying sheep each day, or if his pride got in the way and decided that since Able could offer the product he produced in shepherding, the he should be able to offer the work of his own hands as well. Whatever the reason, Cain decided to bring a sacrifice of his produce rather than offer a blood sacrifice to the Lord (Genesis 4:1-5). When his offering displeased the Lord, Cain pouted. God gave him a second chance to make his attitude and actions right, saying, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must mater it” (Gen. 4:6-7).

Unlike Hannah’s story of obedience and willingness to sacrificially offer her one true desire to the Lord, Cain’s story took a tragic turn when he hardened his heart in rebellion. In the end, Cain murdered Able out of jealousy, and Eve, the world’s first mother, lost two sons in one day – one to death, and one to banishment by the Lord!

God’s displeasure with Cain had nothing to do with a preference of meat over fruit. It had everything to do with Cain’s heart attitude and unwillingness to submit to God’s perfect plan. When Hannah did have a son, Samuel put it well: “Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams” (1 Sam 15:22).

I’m afraid I often tend to be much more like Cain than Hannah. I don’t like to bend when God calls me to something outside my comfort zone. While we live in an age of grace and are no longer bound by the Old Testament code of blood sacrifice, God still desires my heart to be soft to him and offer praise and thanksgiving even when it hurts – no, especially when it hurts – for this is where the sacrifice begins. “O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. You do not delight in sacrifices, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise” (Psalm 51:15-17).

We are instructed, in view of God’s mercy, to offer our “bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God” and this is seen as an act of worship. How can we do this? “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:1-2).

Even when we allow God to renew us, at times it is still hard to understand His perfect will for us in light of fertility challenges. “To do what’s right and just is more acceptable to the LORD than sacrifice” (Proverbs 21:3). God told Cain that he must “Do what is right,” but how can I know what is right for me in fertility or in Noel’s death? I often felt, especially in the earlier days of our struggle, that the withholding of children was a sign that, like Cain, God was not looking on us with favor. I have struggled with anger towards God, and my face has definitely been downcast! I cannot go exchange my fruit for flock to make an acceptable burnt offering, so what can I do?

I have finally realized that doing what is right in infertility is simply allowing God to make the rules! He is asking me to make a change in the sacrifice I am willing to bring, and it is up to me if I will trade my bitterness for praise as Hannah did, or if I will use my pain to feed a jealous rage like Cain. I want to offer myself to God as a great parent, to raise the children He gives us, and train them to follow after Him. My desire is a good one. There is nothing wrong with this desire, just as there was nothing wrong with Cain choosing to farm the land. In fact, my desire is God-given!

But perhaps one thing I have in common with Cain is pride. After all, God had apparently always showered Cain with blessings in the past, as He has me, so it is easy to expect Him to continue His blessings on my terms, without waiting to see what His will or His master plan will be. “I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river…” (Isaiah 48:17b-18a).

For Cain it would have been as simple as letting go of his pride and continuing to buy his sheep from his brother, as an act of obedience to God. For me it is letting God teach me to surrender my plans to His will. He knows that I still desire to raise a family. But I am learning to exchange the sacrifice I want to give for the One He asks me to offer, in obedience to His perfect will for my life.

He does not want just my parenting skills, but He wants all of me! “To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding, with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices” (Mark 12:33). I am learning, slowly, but learning none the less, that to give my whole self- body, mind, heart, spirit, soul, wants, dreams, desires, goals – over to Him, is the only acceptable sacrifice in His sight. “For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgement of God rather than burnt offerings” (Hosea 6:6).

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil 4:6-7). When we pray in an attitude of true thanksgiving, being honest with God about our pain, yet making the effort to sacrifice our attitudes to Him, we are rewarded with a peace that defies earthly reason. “I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone – kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. This is good, and pleases God our Savior, who wants all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth” (1 Tim. 2:1-4).


Scripture seems clear that praise and thanksgiving bring about peace in the midst of pain and heartache. Not easy, but certainly a worthwhile sacrifice!


“Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed” (Psalm 103:2-6).

Labels: anger, bitterness, hope, monthly book devotional, Peace, Sacrifice, Thanksgiving

I had the blessing of sharing with a group of about 30 women from our church this past weekend. God put on my heart the topic of "Harvesting Hope from Heartache" based on Psalm 126:5-6 that says, "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him."

God's hand seemed to be upon the entire afternoon and I felt His peace and guidance as I spoke. For the first time ever when doing public speaking, I got up to start without any feelings of of even mild panic nor shaking hands or anything! I had been a bit nervous before hand, but just really felt a great sence of peace all the way around when the time to talk actually came.
It was so encouraging to have my Mom there. I also have a fairly new friend from church that came and she went through a few years of infertility before the birth of her daughter. They are just getting ready to start trying to conceive again after their little miracle, so she's nervous about that journey. Also a lady I met on another message board was there, just a week after her 12-week miscarriage. Another friend there had a daughter who died in infancy about 10 years ago. I don't know everyone else's stories, but several ladies came up to talk afterwards and said that they were blessed, so I'm just praising the Lord right now!

Here's a brief outline of the talk:

Harvest Cycle (After each phase of the cycle are the emotions a grain of wheat might experience as it prepares for its final purpose.)

Planting – darkness, suffocation, loneliness

No one is immune from heartache. Even when I can’t feel Him, God is always there.

I shared the opening portion of Hannah's Hope chapter one, Hannah's loss of innocence and my story of attending a party as an infertile woman, to illustrate the isolation and darkness of the planting season.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? …If I make my bed in the depths, you are there… Even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. – From Psalm 139:7-12



Waiting – seemingly endless, pointless, impatience

God’s “protection” may leave me bewildered, but He always has a plan for my good.

Read "Wait", the poem I posted in my previous blog entry.

“…For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11



Sprouting – new, fragile, reaching out

God wants my honesty. Where am I placing my hope?

Shared personal experience of being angry with God, yet being unwilling to admit my anger, followed by the freedom of "letting Him have it" and being truly honest. Also the realization that I was placing my hope in a child rather than in God and the attitude changes He needed to bring about in me.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. – Jeremiah 29:13



Growing – stretching, exposed to the elements - hot sun, pounding ran, buffeting wind

God is personal. He cares about every need. He wants me to rely on Him.

Personal stories of God meeting me in places of need both in chronic health challenges and in infertility and other desires of my heart like the longing for a piano.

I pray that out of his glorious riches [God, the Father] may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. – Ephesians 3:16-19



Reaping – cut, dry, gather, bundle

God does not intend for me to “do life” alone.

The beauty of fellowship, belonging and finding others who understand by personal experience. Contrast to the lonilness of "planting".

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. – 2 Corinthians 1:3-4



Threshing – separating chaff from good grain, sometimes by stomping or throwing

Sometimes it gets harder before it gets better. God will help me persevere!

Struggle with fears during pregnancy and adjustments in parenthood. Sometimes "having just what I want" isn't quite what I pictured.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. – James 1:2-4



Refining – grinding, mixing and baking lead to nourishment and pleasure

When seasons of heartache are over, I should celebrate what God has done!

Sometimes rejoicing is obvious, such as celebration over the long-awaited gift of children. Other times it is less obvious, like learning to rejoice in 17 years of ongoing pain and illness. God is good, all the time!

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him. – Psalm 126:5-6

Labels: anger, event, grief, harvest, hope, legacy, public speaking, Thanksgiving

I'm skipping ahead a bit in my monthly devotionals based on Hannah's Hope because God has really put it on my heart that someone needs to read this tonight. I pray it will be an encouragment:

The following is copyrighted material taken from Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage & Adoption Loss, chapter 15:

As Russell Kelfer so well expressed in one of my all-time favorite peoms, "Wait" below, I often wished I could see enough of God's plan at least to know if the battle was even worth such grief. If only God would tell me, "Yes, someday you will have a baby," or even "No, my plans for you do not include a child," then I would have either been able to rest in the peace of knowing or grieve my losses and move on.
Living in the ongoing unknown made worship a true sacrifice. Blind faith was sometimes fearful, painful faith, especially whenever I tried to exercise it in my own strength. Fortunately, each time I made even the meekest attempt to reach out to the Lord, my Father was there to hold my hand and guide me along the way.

WAIT
(Taken from "Follow Me!" by Russell Kelfer, copyright 1995.
Published by Discipleship Tape Ministries, Inc., and Into His Likeness Publications.
Used by permission.)

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, He replied.
I pleaded, and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait."

"Wait? You say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why.
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future, and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me 'wait'?
I'm needing a 'yes,' or a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no,' to which I can resign.

"And Lord, you have promised that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receiv.
And Lord I've been asking, and this in my cry:
I'm weary of asking: I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God; "So I'm waiting, for what?"

He seemed then to kneel and His eyes met with mine
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, darken the sun,
Raise the dead, cause the mountains to run.

"All you see I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust, just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,
When darkness and silence was all you could see.

"You would never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth and the beat of my heart.

"The glow of My comfort late in the night'
The faith that I give when you walk without sight;
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinate God who makes what you have last.

"And you never would know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for that loved one o'ernight could come true,
But the loss! if you lost what I'm doing in you.

"So be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all...is still...wait."


For Further Thought:
(From "Fear of the Unknown" by Ginger Garrett, Moments for Couples Who Long for Children, Colorado Springs, Colo.: NavPress, 2003, pages 39-40)
Our suffering can increase through the agony of not knowing when it will end and why God has allowed it. We want answers to questions that God does not seem eager to explain.... We imagine that if only God would tell us the day and time that our wait will end, we could relax and pace ourselves during our waiting.
But the idea that this suffering could stretch on indefinitely haunts us and makes the present much more difficult. We can stand short bursts of pain, such as in the dentist's chair or when we get a flu shot, because we kno the pain will end quickly and because we feel confident the suffering will produce a greater good. We don't seem to need or ask for God's strength in those moments...
Lack of control, however, with no sense of when the suffering will end or why God allows it, nudges us to an all-knowing, all-powerful Lord. God can best demonstrate who He is when we are paying careful attention. Perhaps that is one reason why He does not reveal to us His exact times and dates and reasons. We want Him to reveal the future - He wants to reveal His character.

Labels: anger, grief, hope, monthly book devotional, waiting

On the Proverbs 31 Ministires blog (heads-up, the author is a mother of 5, 2 through adoption, so there will be occasional references to motherhood but not the theme of this post) there is a writing challenge this week. God pulled me from bed 2 hours early this morning, prompting me to write my article for this contest. But when I took a quick visit to the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums (message boards) before coming here, He quickly made it clear that what I had planned to write was not what He wanted me to say this morning. She I'm tossing my notes aside and giving a heart answer to a grieving friend instead.

After sharing of the deaths of two grandmothers and her unborn (six-years-awaited) child all within a two month time span, she writes:
"How do I trust Him and what am I trusting? I want to trust that this will never happen again and I know that isn't possible. I have been such a faithful Christian, I go to church every week, I [serve om multiple] ministries, what else do I need to do to be blessed with biologically carrying a child?
"I just don't understand and I am so confused right now. I am scared of how mad at God I am!"

Precious Friend, my heart hurts for all the trials you have endured. I'm sure you have heard that grief has stages. You are facing two very distinct kinds of grief right now - the profound and specific losses of three precious to you (all in a very compact timeframe), and the ongoing, less definable but every bit as real, ongoing grief of loss upon loss, month upon month, hope upon hope, dream upon dream. Anger is one very valid stage of grief, as is "bargaining" (as reflected by your questions above).

I struggled with these same questions. Not just struggled, but wrestled and fought under their weight as you do! In the end God reminded me that just as I cannot earn His grace, a child is also a gift, not a right, and that He alone is the giver of good gifts. He gives them to whom He chooses, in the timing that He deems most perfect. He does not give according to "merit" for all my works are still broken offerings and worthless rags. He gives according to His goodness and best plan.

As much as I long to give you a "formula" I can only speak from having survived those depths where you now find yourself and encourage you to remember that you cannot earn a baby. The Psalm "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." had me convinced otherwise for a time, that if I could just show God how much I was doing for His service, that surly He would honor that. And then one day, in as close to any "audible voice from God" experience I've ever know, He impressed so clearly on my heart that I had the totally wrong idea of what it meant to "delight" in Him with, "My child, you cannot treat me according to the gifts I choose to give or to withhold. I am Worthy of your praise, with or without a baby!" It was then that I realized that a baby had become an idol to me, taking my focus and God's rightful place of longing in my heart.

This realization wasn't an immediate fix, didn't make me "all better" over night, and certainly didn't instantly cause my womb to become fertile. But it was a significant turning point in my heart, the start on a pathway toward healing and freedom from anger's bitter grasp, the first glimmer of hope that there truly was light on the other side of that deep, dark, senseless valley of grief.

As for anger, I know that the anger itself can be a fearful thing. May I encourage you that your anger does not take God by surprise and that He is big enough to handle it? Death makes Him angry too. This fallen world is not as He designed it and death is an evil, vile thief. If we believe that God has the power to prevent such evil and yet chooses not to take action, why wouldn't we be angry with him? What God wants from you the most right now is your honesty, with yourself and with Him. Let Him know exactly how angry you are, why you are angry, how you feel betrayed... Hold nothing back. Yell it out to Him if you need to. Start a journal and get it all out there in black and white.

And then, once you have laid yourself bare before Him, ask Him to take all that brokenness, bitterness, disappointment, grief, and more, and replace it with heart healing and peace. He is the author of hope and we are promised that when our hope is in Him (not elsewhere, like in a baby) that He does not disappoint. I am not saying this to crush your dreams that God may yet have motherhood in His plans for you. In fact, it is my earnest prayer that He does, and from a human standpoint I pray that this answer to prayer comes much sooner than later. I am simply saying that when we get to this stage of grief, our needs are far bigger than simply that of conception. While there is nothing you can do to "earn" a baby (and you will only make yourself more miserable in the attempt), please allow God to start bringing Life in a new way as He is the only one who can meet this terrible heartache.

{{{Hugs!}}}
Jenni

Labels: anger, bitterness, contest, grief, hope, Peace, Sacrifice, testimony

On the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums I am posting monthly devotionals based on various chapters of Hannah's Hope. Here's the 9th in this series.

The following is copyrighted material and has been adapted from "Bitterness of Soul" chapter nine of Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, & Adoption Loss by Jennifer Saake, NavPress, 2005. Please do not duplicate without permission. You may read a portion of this book here.
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In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord. - 1 Samuel1:10 (NIV)

Therefore I will not keep silent;
I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit,
I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.- Job 7:11 (NIV)


Naomi knew the pain of a bitter heart. She lost her husband and both sons in a foreign country. When she returned home her soul was so wounded that when friends called her Naomi, a name that means "pleasant," she replied, "Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty" (Ruth 1:20-21). Literally translated, the Hebrew word mara means "bitter." The idea behind this word is marrow, or the core substance of something; thus Naomi's bitterness penetrated through the very depths of her being.
Mara is quite similar to the word used to describe the bitterness Hannah faced as she went before God after years of pain and longing for a child. Hannah's bitterness, marah, also indicates great heaviness, disconnection, and chafing.
Bitterness is described in Hebrews as a root that defiles the soul, causing us to miss the grace of God. Nothing chokes out peace faster. Intense marah was deeply rooted within my heart for a long time. I felt raw, weighed down, constantly rubbed in the wrong direction. I was disconnected from God, my husband, my friends, and even myself.
I felt totally neglected and abandoned. I wondered how I could trust a God who would be so unloving as to give me such a strong desire to reproduce then not enable me to accomplish the task. All the waiting, disappointment, frustration, faith, hope, prayer, begging, pleasing, doctor's visits and medication seemed futile. God seemed so very far away.
Finally I had it out with God in a yelling, stomping, fist-shaking, tearful fit unlike any I had ever dared before. I had never dared admit to Him, nor to myself, just how really angry I was. But He had known the true nature of my heart all along. I couldn't shock or surprise Him with my temper tantrum. He was big enough to handle all my rage. By fully confronting Him, I admitted to both of us exactly how I perceived our relationship. But to my surprise, rather than driving Him further away, He drew me close!
Honesty unlocked the rusty gate to the wall I had built around my heart. It was an amazing breakthrough for me to understand that even if my prayers are only yelled at God in total disillusionment, I must keep taking my pain to God. He cannot help me when I lock Him out, hide or run away. I am free to weep with Hannah, as long as that weeping was done before the Lord.
The truth is, even when He seems silent to my cries, He is listening and does care, grieving deeply with me in my loneliness. Not only does He care, but He relates with personal understanding. Remember Jesus' cry from the cross, "My God, why have you forsaken me"?
While I demanded the joy of motherhood, I never stopped to consider how it would break my heart to be rejected by my child in the way I was treating the Lord. By grace, just as I could never stop loving a prodigal, God's persistent love never abandoned me either.
But neither did His love trespass where uninvited. In order for fellowship to be restored, I had to ask Him to knock down walls and weed my heart. Jesus declares, "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful" (John 15:1-2). Pruning often seems more painful than letting bitterness remain rooted, but God is the master Gardener who desires to see us bloom. By drinking deeply of Living Water, even when I don't feel like it, the soil of my heart will slowly soften, allowing weeds to less painfully release their hold.

Labels: anger, bitterness, monthly book devotional