Jenni's Journals - Hannah's Hope Book

No, time doesn't heal all heartache. But the pain does ease, soften, change, grow with you, become a part of who you are over time. A Mommy's heart never forgets. I'm not in the staggering pain of the early years nor even the meloncoly "could-a-would-a-should-a" been grief of a handfull of years ago.

With happy-sorrow (happy that she is part of my life, sorrow that we have been apart so many years and I must continue waiting for Heaven to meet her) I am quietly remembering my beautiful first baby girl who was due this weekend, 13 years ago. Hard to believe I'm the Mommy of a teenager in Heaven now.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Noel! You are forever loved and really being missed today.

Labels: grief, hope, Noel

This past winter I've found myself draw to the interests of pre-teen girls. I couldn't figure out why, but I spent my hours exploring doll company websites and even wanting to write a new book series for "tween" and younger teen girls. And then it hit me...
Noel would have been turning 12 this summer. With this realization, suddenly my winter interests took perspective and I realized that I was once again striving to fill that "missing" place in my heart.

From this renewed longing to connect with the daughter I will never know this side of heaven, I have found a joyful new passion. While not a link I would typically post to an infertility blog, please allow me to share with you now my new Inner Beauty Girlz site, dedicated in loving memory to our Noel. The purpose of this blog is to reach young ladies for Christ by drawing their interests through beauty tips and trips, contests, book and product reviews and more.

If you know of any young ladies who might be interested in Noel's page, please pass the link along www.mineralz.blogspot.com. Or if you have suggestions or ideas, I would love to hear from you. Afterall, I'm working from the premise of what I think Noel might have liked, but have no first-hand experience in parenting a preteen daughter!

Labels: Noel

For a few weeks I had been feeling really "down" and not coping well with daily life. Rick even asked me if I was angry at him for something and I didn't have any idea I had been coming across so snappy with those I love.

When Rick went out of town for a couple days late last week, I used a long night-time house-clean session to have a long talk with the Lord (cleaning my heart along with our home). I realized that a big part of the picture is that I've been neglectful with making consistent time with Him a daily priority. I always get myself in trouble that way.

I also must admit that I've been physically really hurting, everything from the top of my head to the bottoms of my feet, and almost everything in between, with many "hot spots" of more intense pain. When I'm hurting so much, it is hard to live gracefully. This is not an excuse, but rather should have been a warning sign to me to heighten my vigilance in seeking daily strength at the Pieced Feet that long to carry me in Strength when I can no longer "do it" on my own.

I do not discount either of those "factors" as to their profound impact in my ability to relate well to those around me. But I realized this week that Noel's 11th birthday would have been about now. I had thought of her quite a bit in the earlier part of the summer, but recently hadn't been "dwelling" on what time of year it was. To realize again what dates were upon us, suddenly made much of what I've been feeling "make sense".

The more years I'm distanced from my losses, the more it catches me by surprise that I'm still so profoundly impacted by due dates, anniversaries and dates of significance such as this. Now that I'm aware, God and I are working on making Him Lord of my heart, my life, and this ongoing grief journey once again. Happy 11th Birthday, my beautiful would-be-adolescent!

Labels: Noel