Jenni's Journals - Hannah's Hope Book

Here's another beautiful reflection from the heart of one of the ladies from Hannah's Prayer. Kara (age 26) and Derric (28) have been trying to conceive since August, 2000. He had a bilateral varicocele 3/03, she had a laparoscopy 5/04 finding stage 4 endometriosis, the two IUIs they did the summer of 2004 were unsucessful, and the IVF cycle they did in January 2005 yielded 2 babies born to Heaven: Isaiah Anthony-Shay and Moriah Faith(God is my teacher to trust, carried 14 weeks 5 days). An August IVF again brought about a positive pregnancy test, but Koen Job (brave afflicted one) was born to Heaven September 26, 2005 at 8 weeks. Fur babies (kittens) Sierra and Cindari are a daily comfort in a dark time.

Psalms 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit."


So for over five years I have been asking God WHY?
Why can't I have a baby?
Why can the drug addicted teenager have one?
Why can some women have 8 and I can't even have just one?
Why can't you be a little more fair in the gifts of children?
Why did you allow me to get preg when you took my babies away?
Why did you take my children who I love?
Why? Why? Why?
I have cried out to God so many times and just asked this question. Sometimes it is all I can say. I cannot fathom what the answer could be.
A few days ago I realized that I will never know until I get to heaven and ask God himself so asking over and over again is not going to get me to far. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Well meaning people say that it is all in God's plan and that there is a reason. Hmmmm. I don't think anyone could come up with a good reason for my children dying. No other child will replace my children in heaven.
We cannot control our circumstances. All I can do is make the best with what I have been given. God wants to see how I will respond to my circumstances but it doesn't mean He is happy I am in them. This fallen world will never be fair, I guess that is why it isn't heaven.
So I am going to start and ask myself and God different questions.
What?
What can I do here to be productive for my heavenly Father?
Who?
Who can I reach while I am here and help others who are hurting?
Where?
Where do you want us today?
When?
When do you want us to pursure more treatment or adoption?

Thanks for letting me share my new questions that are more possible to be answered here on earth. I am trying to rest in the fact that I will know why, just not this side of heaven.

(c) Copyright Kara Ungaro, 2005